Jesus and the People, by Tabitha Jeub
Educators call it “role playing,” soldiers call it “war games,” the Bible calls it “training.” We call it “practicing” because that’s exactly what it is.
“Training,” it seems, is a complicated word today. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6), a most popular parenting verse. Once understood, the idea of “training” makes an incredible amount of sense.
Here’s what training isn’t. It isn’t punishment. A trainer may use a stick to whip its horse into the behavior it desires, but children are different. Using punishment to attain desired behavior is rarely productive. It produces indecisive kids, not confident ones.
Training is more like practicing. More like a boxer, a soldier, or a professional athlete. Training is not punishment, just as practice is not discipline. They are much different, and when this difference is understood, parenting becomes pretty simple.
Example: Junior has the tendency to throw tantrums at the supermarket when Mom says no to candy requests. (We’ve all witnessed situations like this, haven’t we?) A parent who relies on punishment will wait till the supermarket encounter to “correct” the behavior. Some may whack the child in front of everyone. Some parents may give into the child’s demands, coupled with a, “fine, here you go, you brat!” The parent who pleads or threatens or reasons or lies with the child (“Mommy can’t afford it,” we hear often, as they run $100+ groceries through) — they’re doing it wrong too.
None of these more common scenarios hits at the core problem: the child’s behavior. None of these solutions takes aim at “training” the child.
We can’t tell you how many parents have expressed their dismay with situations like this. Kids “flip out” at certain times, and the parents consistently try to handle the child when they’re “flipping out.” The kids misbehave, punishment ensues, the kids misbehave, punishment ensues. We assume the kids will catch on, but they don’t. At dinnertime, in church, at school, wherever. We ask this simple question, “Have you ever practiced the behavior you are expecting?”
This “practicing” is well worth the time. Following the supermarket example, practice the situation at home. Set up a little concession stand at home and show Junior that the candy bar is off limits. “Here we are at the supermarket, and I’ll put one of these in the cart. If you ask for anything else, I will put it back.” Practice it a few times so that Junior knows exactly what to expect.
In our book Love in the House, we explain in detail how we “practice” for church. We attend a church where families sit together. Most churches don’t dare to allow such a fiasco, and we wonder if it’s because we have a generation of parents who don’t practice proper behavior at home. Before we leave, we’ll line up on the couch and practice sitting still and quiet. Just 10 minutes in the morning, and all the kids (even the two-year-olds) get it. Proper behavior is showcased. It’s modeled for the other children. And when we go, the children all expect proper behavior.
And we have a most pleasant time together.
And we think how nice it would be to love another child.
About Chris & Wendy Jeub
